Grace in Suffering

Brother Xiao came to the hospital to visit me and expressed hope before leaving that I could write down my testimony from this period of illness. I felt a sense of urgency—perhaps these testimonies might hold some value for the church—but I couldn’t help wondering: will the time the Lord has given me be enough?

If I were to write down all the testimonies since I went to Nanjing, I doubt I would have the energy or time to do so. For now, I will share the greatest blessings I can currently perceive that the Lord has given me through the progression of this illness.

Recognizing My Stubbornness and Strong-Willed Nature

The CT scan results shattered my dreams entirely. Confronted with the facts, I had to admit that the holistic approach of traditional Chinese medicine, which I had firmly believed in, was nothing more than a pie-in-the-sky illusion. The spontaneous detachment of the tumor that I had hoped for was never going to happen. Worse still, my condition had deteriorated to the point where surgery was no longer an option.

Faced with these harsh results, I had no choice but to examine myself before the Lord: Why did I alone believe I was improving, while everyone else saw worsening signs? Why, despite the tumor on the outside of my mouth growing larger—which common sense would dictate as a worsening condition—did I insist it was improving? Why, when the bleeding increased, my body weakened, and my symptoms worsened, did I persist in believing it was a positive reaction? Why was I so quick to believe a salesperson’s casual explanation, to the point that I seemed to have lost basic reasoning?

I thank the Lord for His illumination, allowing me to see that my unwavering belief in this framework of reasoning completely consumed me. Under the influence of this mindset, pain was interpreted as the tumor separating from healthy tissue; bleeding as the severing of blood vessels connected to the tumor; and tumor growth as a last-ditch struggle. Through this, I came to see my subjectivity, stubbornness, and the foolishness that flowed from it—foolishness so great that I could ignore even the most obvious facts, twisting them to fit my narrative.

The Lord swiftly brought to my attention how I had acted in meetings of the deacons’ board, stubbornly clinging to my own opinions, even at the cost of alienating every other deacon. Previously, nearly all the deacons had commented on my stubbornness, but I brushed it off, thinking I was actually quite accommodating. Through this result, the Lord made me realize that what I perceived as my “easygoing” nature only applied to matters I didn’t care much about or had no authority over.

The Lord showed me that deep in my subconscious was a strong, overpowering desire to dominate—to have the final say. “Fine,” He seemed to say, “you love being in control? Look where your self-directed decisions have led you: cancer has spread beyond the point of treatment.” This was the result of all my supposedly wise choices.

The Lord also connected this illness to my past so-called service: How much trouble have my hidden desire for control, my subjectivity, and my stubbornness caused for the church? How much harm have they brought to my brothers and sisters? Occasionally, I would hear comments from brothers and sisters about my temper, or fellow workers on the deacons’ board would point out my domineering tone. At the time, I simply dismissed it as a bad temper and prayed for the Lord to deliver me from it.

I thank the Lord for this severe illness, which has allowed me to thoroughly examine my years of service.

Indeed, in the past few years, the Lord has used me greatly—this I could feel deeply through His provision during my preaching. There was no question about the Lord using me. The problem was that the more He used me, the more pride quietly grew within me. I began to see myself as exceptional. Unknowingly, this pride built up a heavy sense of superiority. In other words, the more the Lord used me, the greater the sin within me became. Because of this, I’ve come to see that any benefit my service brought to the church over the past few years was purely the work of the Holy Spirit—because the Spirit can work even through Balaam’s donkey. As for myself, I was filled with nothing but wood, hay, and straw.The Lord made me realize that when listening to others preach, I would take sermons seriously only when Pastor Wang spoke. For others, I wasn’t really listening but rather nitpicking. After repenting, I now join Hai Mei in watching live streams of sermons from other coworkers. To my surprise, I find that I can not only sit quietly and listen attentively but also gain something from them.

A Return of the Heart

Having previously worked in business, I placed great importance on the efficient use of funds. Any idle money in my household that wasn’t immediately needed would never sit in a bank—low interest rates would only cause it to lose value. Instead, I would invest it in the stock market—not to get rich, but to avoid depreciation. After coming to faith, I continued this practice. From a logical perspective, earning returns from stocks was no different from earning interest from a bank deposit—both are legal and inherently not sinful. Based on this understanding, I never abandoned the stock market. In fact, since becoming a believer, I had never lost money in the stock market. Each year, I earned an 8%–15% return because I no longer chased greed like before. While I sometimes thought about stocks during confession and prayer, I would consistently reject the notion of admitting it as a sin, since I was certain it wasn’t.

After arriving in Nanjing, my health began to deteriorate significantly. One night, I felt as though I had a dream—though it might not have been a dream—where I perceived a message of curse: I would only get worse. The message woke me up violently with a fit of coughing. From then on, I coughed every night, severely affecting my sleep. Eventually, I couldn’t bear it anymore and sought antibiotics from the hospital.

That evening, while in a half-asleep, half-awake state, I thought: Surely the antibiotics will work? Immediately, a thought arose within me: Not a chance. This jolted me awake, and I reflected: this thought and the previous message of curse couldn’t possibly be from God—they must have come from an evil spirit. But how could I, a child of God, accept such messages? Could it be that I had a breach—a sin I knowingly refused to repent for? At that moment, my mind turned to stocks.

It dawned on me that the recurring thoughts of stocks during my prayers were the Holy Spirit reminding me. Deep down, I had suspected whether my involvement in stocks was sinful, but I dismissed it with the rationale that stock trading, like any other work, is not inherently sinful—especially since my goal wasn’t to get rich. I used this logic to cover up my reluctance to let go.

Objectively speaking, trading stocks isn’t a sin in itself. So why had it become sinful for me? Only when the Lord brought me to a life-threatening crisis, far more significant than financial concerns, did I finally realize: my unwillingness to give up the stock market stemmed from my attachment to money and a hidden greed. Reflecting on my habit of checking stock trends daily—though it took only a minute each time—I recognized that part of my heart had been drawn away. My heart was no longer fully with the Lord. Scripture says, “My son, give me your heart” (Proverbs 23:26), but my heart was given to the stock market. Isn’t that terrifying?The day after this realization, I sold all my stocks—over one million yuan, including recent proceeds from a house sale. Regardless of profit or loss, I cleared out everything. Some shares couldn’t be sold immediately due to lock-in periods, but as soon as they became tradable, I sold them as well. Before the Lord, I resolved never to touch the stock market again in my life.

Experiencing the Unity of the Body

I have many flaws, which sometimes make me difficult to be around in the church. Nearly all the deacons have experienced my harsh words, cold shoulders, or heated arguments. Not even Pastor Wang was spared. Among them, Brother Song Yue bore the brunt of it. My interactions with brothers and sisters often left me with a reputation as “Brother Bai with a bad temper.” Thanks to everyone’s tolerance, I managed to get by, but I was keenly aware that few people likely enjoyed my personality.

Yet, during the two and a half years of my illness, I was constantly enveloped in the love of my brothers and sisters. I felt as though I wasn’t suffering at all, but rather being pampered.

When I first arrived in Nanjing for school, Song Yue did everything but move her entire house to me—she prepared all the daily necessities. If it weren’t for her regular updates on my condition and the tearful pleas of the deacons’ board, which eventually issued an extraordinary decision ordering my immediate return for treatment, I might still have been hesitating, planning to wait until vacation. Song Yue reassured me that everything had been arranged, and all I needed to do was come back. She and her husband even vacated a house they had planned to sell, despite being unable to pay off their mortgage. The deacons’ coworkers prepared all necessities, cleaned the house immaculately, and made it move-in ready for my family. They had even coordinated with the hospital.

Whether they knew me or not, brothers and sisters were deeply moved by my condition—many couldn’t hold back their tears, as though grieving for their own family member. Inevitably, their tears would bring mine.

During my month-long hospitalization, amidst Jinan’s hottest weather, brothers and sisters competed to deliver meals and care for me. Eventually, shifts had to be organized. Brothers who cared for me gave massages and washed my feet, providing the most comfortable and considerate service imaginable. Those who served and visited included many I didn’t know, as well as some I had rebuked harshly in the past or who held minor grievances against me. Yet, everyone cared for me wholeheartedly.

Fellow patients and their families were astonished. They said to me, “Your group is amazing. Everyone speaks so gently and is so full of love.” My family, who took turns coming to help, found they weren’t needed at all—everything was already perfectly arranged. This unity and selfless love among brothers and sisters deeply moved my family.

Before leaving, my eldest brother—a police officer for 27 years—sent the following message in our family group chat, asking me to pass it on to the church as well:

“Tomorrow I’ll leave my brother to return to work. In the ten short days I’ve spent with him, I’ve witnessed the sincere and selfless acts of kindness from the brothers and sisters of Changchunli Church. What does it mean to share in others’ burdens? To stand shoulder to shoulder? To sail through hardships together? I’ve seen it with my own eyes. The goodness of such relationships is truly moving. What is collective strength? What is team spirit? What does it mean to bear burdens together? I’ve experienced it. With these people, so close as family, I have no reason to worry. Tomorrow morning, I’ll leave the hospital with a heart full of gratitude. Thank you—every one of you, the people of God at Changchunli Church!”

My eldest brother had long opposed my faith, being deeply entrenched in atheistic and communist ideology. But the testimony of love and unity among brothers and sisters changed his perspective. In a conversation with Brother Xiao Yuanhou, he said, “I used to believe in communism and thought the system was perfect. But reality showed me it was ruined by people, and the faith turned out to be false. After spending these days with you, I’ve found that this faith is the only real one. You all truly believe.”

Hearing this moved me deeply. I had prayed for my family’s salvation for ten years. Before my illness, there had been no visible signs. Yet through this illness, my second sister, my younger sister, and her husband have come to sincere faith. My eldest brother remains the most resistant, but his words reveal that he has been deeply touched by Christ. His only obstacle now is his career: “I’m a police officer and a Party member; it’s not allowed. After retirement, I’ll believe.” I trust that it’s only a matter of time before he and my sister-in-law come to faith.

All things work together for the good of those who love God. Never in my wildest dreams did I imagine that God would use my terminal illness to bring salvation to my family. For this alone, my illness has been more than worth it.

A Few Reflections

My daughter is very dissatisfied with the delay in treating my illness. Besides blaming me and Haimei for not taking her advice to seek treatment at a major hospital sooner, she even struggles to understand why God would allow my condition to develop in this way. Since I could not speak, I wrote the following message to her, hoping she could view suffering correctly:

On the question of how to treat my illness, it should be considered according to God’s way:

First, recognize God’s sovereignty:

We humans tend to focus only on individual events. Specifically, in our family’s current situation, we easily fixate on the external progression of the illness or the safety of physical life in this world. But God’s perspective is different from ours. He places greater value on our inner, spiritual, and eternal life. He uses external illnesses to build our inner lives. Therefore, no matter how the illness progresses, it is merely a tool in God’s hands. He allows events that benefit the building of spiritual life, and He does not allow events that do not. Thus, any occurrence is certainly permitted by God and is infinitely good. Regardless of how my illness develops or whether I eventually recover, as long as it happens, whether it aligns with our expectations or not, we ought to praise and give thanks.

Second, we must fulfill our human responsibilities:

This should be viewed in two ways:

Concerning matters of sin and non-sin (primarily referring to moral issues): We must be serious, adhering to biblical teachings and principles. For example, if a Christian lies or dishonors their parents, we must point it out and ask them to repent. If they refuse to repent, the church should intervene and deal with the issue, even to the point of expelling them from the church.

Concerning matters unrelated to sin or non-sin, such as determining the most effective course of action to achieve a desirable result (as we perceive it): In these cases, different people will have different opinions, and everyone tends to believe their view is correct and reasonable. The Bible teaches that in such matters, we should not insist on our own opinions but rather submit to one another, esteeming others better than ourselves. This means admitting that we might be wrong and others might be right, and that others are not less capable than we are.

When we strongly believe our approach is better, we can try to influence others. We can clearly explain our thoughts and reasoning, but we must not force others to accept them. A genuine Christian, once realizing their ideas are incorrect, will stop insisting on them. Therefore, we should not argue, get angry, or lose our temper just because others do not agree with us. Often, aside from concern for the matter at hand (such as the illness in this context), hidden motives may involve elevating oneself, looking down on others, or preserving one’s own image (our nature is deceitful and often uses the former to cover up the latter, even deceiving ourselves). Otherwise, why would such strong emotions arise? This is why the Bible emphasizes the importance of avoiding disputes.

When everyone believes they are right, submission becomes key. First, submit to one another, meaning let go of one’s own opinions. If no one is willing, then submission should follow the order of authority—submit to whoever has the authority in that situation.

You might ask: “If it turns out their way is wrong, should we still listen?”

The answer is: Yes, still listen. This is because we cannot know beforehand that they are definitely wrong. Moreover, our faith is not in them but in God. If their approach is not in line with God’s will, He will ensure it does not ultimately succeed. If the outcome aligns with God’s will (whether or not it aligns with human expectations), their approach will succeed.

Therefore, submitting to others is not only about respecting them or being humble ourselves; it is ultimately about our faith in God.

In short, the method we use is not the most important thing; what truly matters is whether we are willing to submit. This is a principle that affects our eternal life.

The reason God allowed me to take the lead in deciding how to treat my illness, resulting in its worsening, is that only when I hit a dead end could I examine myself and realize my stubbornness and unwillingness to submit.

Now I have relinquished the decision-making power, leaving it to your mother and the church’s deacons to decide on the treatment. This is my testimony of repentance in this matter.

I thank the Lord for allowing me to have this cancer, and I thank Him even more for allowing me to lead the treatment decisions, which ultimately led to the worsening of my condition. If my illness had been surgically treated as soon as it was discovered, it might have been completely cured, and the physical damage might have been less severe. However, all I would have gained was the healing of a disease. I would not have gained the spiritual insights I have today, nor would I have experienced such repentance.

I believe that without this painful experience, my spiritual life would have been much poorer. The outcome of this illness can only be one of two things: either the Lord will take me home, or He will heal me. If I lacked these insights, then if I were taken home, I would be weeping and gnashing my teeth in darkness; if healed, all my ministry would amount to nothing more than wood, hay, and straw.

I am not saying I have already attained it, but through this experience, at least I can more truly see my own wretchedness, be more vigilant in repentance, and draw closer to victory. My most urgent prayer now is: “Lord, if You still give me the opportunity to serve, please have mercy on me and save me, so that I may serve my brothers and sisters and my church with a heart always bowed low before You. This is my only attachment on earth. If You decide to take me away, please further refine me, so that I may experience victory in suffering and become an overcomer. For I do not wish to weep and gnash my teeth, nor do I wish to grieve You.”

(Written in 2017)